The next episode of....guy whose name I will have soon

Now that I have completely recovered from my painful and intimate encounter with the walrus overlord I have been given my next mission. I am being dropped into parts of the african rainforest which were thought to be occupied by some form of super intelligent spider monkeys. Now spider monkeys are not like your normal monkeys. These little critters are small and extremely agile and are as strong and cunning as they are small. All the other animals in the drop zone have been apparently pecker-slapped and then enslaved by the spider monkeys so I am being sent in wearing nothing but a pair of shoes (to get closer to nature) to overthrow all the monkeys and return the jungle to a state of normality. Who better to return the jungle to a state of normality than me.

I had decided to not use a parachute but rather use an umbrella in my jump from the plane, hoping to execute a very Mary Poppins style descent into the forbidding green foilage that housed the threat I was about to take on, naked.

The umbrella did not work as well as I had hoped. It slowed me a little as I gracefully soared through the air with my manhood flapping around without restraint. You now all assume that I failed to recognise the danger of landing through trees without any protection to the crotch region of my body. Well you are indeed correct. It was an utterly horrifying and depraving episode. I'm not sure what was worse, having my parts bang against branches or when I finally landed on the hard soil ground of the rainforest, crushing my goods under my body mass. It all was quite terrible actually.

I am afraid I need some time to recover so I shall end this transmission. I shall find somewhere to sleep for the evening and get back to you once I rouse from my nap...my nap which has been filled with dreams as of lately. Horrible dreams. The terrible throughts of the walrus overlord treating me as nothing but a whore at his disposal.

He hasn't even called.